Racing thoughts, but where the heck was the starting line?
Updated: May 13, 2021
My brain is racing with thoughts and emotions and the best way I can understand them is to get them out in some sort of physical form, which is exactly what this blog is for, so welcome to my brain.
On Monday, I woke up naturally at 7am after falling asleep at a semi early time. I found myself walking around my living room at 7am not knowing what I wanted to do with myself, I didn’t want to do anything, I didn’t have anything calling for me so I found myself feeling this overwhelming sadness and ultimately deciding that going back to bed was what I deserved. I ended up “napping” from 7am until about 4pm. Upon waking up at 4pm, I got a bunch of work done on my laptop but proceeded to forget it was Monday and that I had a spin class at 6:45 until about 7:45 pm, which led me to feel awful about myself.
Tuesday, I fell back into my normal insomniac life, couldn’t fall asleep until sometime after 4:32am (that’s the last time I remember seeing a clock) and did not awaken until 3:30pm. At 3:30pm, I had this desire to clean and organize but could bring myself to actually do it. I kept telling Trevor, I want to but I don’t want to for a long list of stuff I could be doing and more important wanted to be doing. Yet, all I ended up doing was sitting in my chair all day and accomplishing nothing.
Today, Wednesday, I find myself getting out of bed around 3:15pm simply so I can get to work for 4pm, I end up cleaning a bunch which makes me late to open the business for 4pm… late for 4pm grrrrr!
Now I am finding myself with this feeling to share my thoughts and feelings out loud as I have learned that whenever I feel myself slipping back into my darkest of depressions talking about it is the best way to figure out what has triggered it and how I can prevent it the next time around. I can now recognize that the manufactured thought of “I don’t have anything to do with my life at 7am” "worthless for being late" "not worth the effort" are not healthy. What I want to figure out is what causes me to get trapped in these kinds of thinking traps that cause me to downward spiral into this feeling that I am currently feeling. This feeling of unworthiness has me looking for affirmation in everything I do and think.
While I may not have answers to anything today, I am proud of the fact that I have been able to recognize that my depression is getting high and I am able to take the time to figure out why to help prevent it from becoming uncontrollable. I am happy that I was able to recognize these thoughts and actions as unhealthy instead of taking them as true. Growth doesn’t happen all at once, it comes with time and constantly believing in yourself and the work you are doing for you.