OK, so blog post number 2, has already caused me problems and they were the exact problems I told myself in post 1 that I wasn't going to allow myself to care about.
How the heck do I write a blog post that is structured and looks like I know what I am talking about.... but that's the thing, I don't know what I am talking about, I am still learning and processing how my brain thinks and how I can live with my mental illnesses. So, moving forward, I am making a commitment to myself to not concern myself with proper "essay" and marketing techniques, I will write what comes to mind and that's that. (Obviously, I will proof read to make sure it kind of makes sense. lol or at least I'll try)
Anywho, the reason I wanted to write today, was to dive deep into manufactured vs natural emotions and unfold my thoughts as I continue to learn about how I manufacture emotions.
As someone who overthinks, I constantly find myself, trying to predict what someone is going to think before they have even had the chance to think it themselves. This allows me to have the time to create proper responses or reactions. I am always concerning myself with others facial reactions and body language to determine if the words they are saying actually relate to the words coming from their mouths. After the interactions, I will spend brain power, questioning everything I said and playing out the entire scenario wondering, " If I said this differently, would it have gone better", "What do you think they thought when I said this" "What are they thinking of me now". Just thinking of the whole ordeal makes me exhausted so I can't imagine how I've never realized why social interactions are always so draining.
The feeling of being alone in a crowded room, feels manufactured to me, the more I dive into these thoughts, I am constantly forcing my brain to concern itself with other's thoughts and expressions that I am not allowing it the time to find enjoyment in their presence. I have allowed my past traumas of losing relationships and being left out to affect my present and future happiness. I have taken trauma from my past and just assumed that they are going to continue to happen to me, as it was what I deserve. This isn't fair to myself or the people who are in my life. I can't continue to allow past "friends" who clearly weren't actually my friends to influence how I expect people to treat me. I can't continue to manufacture thoughts and feeling of being gossiped about every time I leave the room to the point where I don't use the bathroom when with other's, or question everything I said after hanging out with someone, because I assume I might need to find the reason to justify why they ultimately decide to end our relationship. I can't keep determining my worth is based on what people think of me and know that regardless if I grow the people who want to be in my life will love me for who I am unconditionally and if they don't then I don't want them in my life anyways.