I can’t sleep, so I decided to do this thing that I’ve been wanting to do for the longest time but never really knew how to do it. I researched proper SEOs & techniques and did it once and then never again… what is this thing? Blogging.
You might ask why would one person want to blog and that was the question that stumped me and had me question everything after my first post. I realized I didn’t want to blog and create more work for me in SEOs, analytics and proper techniques, I have enough of that in my everyday life. I wanted to blog to share the thoughts that go on in my head, and use it as a form of release, a diary one might call it, but a diary on the internet for potential people to read and resonate with. I want to use this blog to explore my topics like my insomnia, anxiety, & depression, my journey with therapy, learning psychology, learning to love myself and pushing myself outside my comfort zone, running a small business, running multiple small businesses, starting a twitch channel, art and creativity! I want to be able to use this blog as a venue for myself to over think out loud, and continue to grow as an individual.
I don’t want to create a blog to promote, or market to people, if people find my blog great, if people take something away from my blogs to help them on their journey even better. I simply want to blog for myself, to help myself better understand my thoughts & be able to translate them into learning experiences and new goals for personal growth.
It’s currently 4:39 am, I was laying in bed from 2 am - 4 am unable to fall asleep and an endless stream of thought went through my brain, fun how I described it as stream as one of the topics keeping me awake was streaming and Trevor, Cas & I’s new life adventure of beginning a Twitch stream. The thoughts weren’t about the streams themselves but the awe I am over myself and my quick growth that I’ve noticed in myself over the last few months since beginning therapy for my depression. Prior to therapy, the boys threw this idea at me, and I instantly shot it down because “I was too busy” (we’re in the middle of a pandemic… I wasn’t too busy) but deep down I knew it was because I was self conscious of being judged as my self-worth has been at an all time low and continuously decreasing since high school. (I will definitely be going into high school and my past bullies more in the future) Therapy helped me realize that I don’t need to worry every second of every day what others think of me, because if I am happy and if I like myself then that is all that should matter to myself and because of this I am having the time of my life doing this whole streaming thing. I am realizing that I should’ve started like 2 years ago and stopped allowing my self doubt to get in the way of my dreams and passions. I still have dark days & anxious moments but I have learned ways to cope with them instead allowing them to influence my actions.
I know I am not cured of my mental illnesses because of a few sessions with a therapist, but I now know that they don’t define my life or define who I am and that it is huge! I was terrified of losing my low self-worth because I thought it was a defining feature of who I was and that thought is just crazy to look back at. How sad I must have been deep down inside to think I was defined by my hatred and negative look on myself and to be worried that people wouldn’t continue to be friends with a happier version of myself.
It’s okay to feel the way you do, just know that it can get better.